Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
