He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
