I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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