yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
