I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
