It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
