I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
