i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
