There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
