i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
