this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
