Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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