sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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