my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
