That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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