i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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