I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
