if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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