I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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