Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
