I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
