I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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