I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Green mimosas i think yes
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
