How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
