I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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