I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
