Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
