my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
