I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
