my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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