my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
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There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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