Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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