Fine. I'll sleep in my office
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
