for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
