She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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