It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
