thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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