Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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