I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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