I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar