im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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