My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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