fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
