Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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