four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
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If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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