Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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