Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
