I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
