My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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