I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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