What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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