Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
