You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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