Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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