Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
